Mixed Up Emotions

Strange title from a 'PUA' you'd think, I suppose this is the conundrum. Ok, cast your mind back to the last post or scroll down the screen, remember HBcoldread? Well the saga continues...

Basically, we had arranged to meet on Sunday night to watch the Grudge 2 after seeing the first movie with her on our previous meet up. We met in town and got some food and drinks and kind of picked up where we left off, but this time it was a little more intense. We got back to hers and ended up just making out heavily, going up to her room watching the movie and then back to making out. Clothes off... she was an amazing tease and gave me possibly the best head ever, swallowing a week's worth of my load for the finale. Out comes the tiger tantra shit... fingering all the good stuff.. we were both horny but I started freaking out about busting my nut earlier and whether or not I'd be able to get wood. Sounds fucked up, but I was high as a muthafucka on caffine, I'm pretty sensitive to the stuff, it makes me horny like hell but also gets me in my head.

So I just chilled, it didn't matter as we were both enjoying ourselves. The next morning, making out, she gave me some crazy ass hand job. I swear I was climaxing for like a minute straight it was some weird shit. Anyway, I do some more tiger tantra stuff on her, go down on her it's all gravy. We spend most the day in bed just relaxing in each others arms playing around like teenagers.

She mentioned that it was nice that I didn't just want to use her for sex and actually wanted to spend time with her. I told her that 'often we focus on sex viewing it on the end goal and try and race to get there, instead of just enjoying the moment and the other person's presence'. She mentioned that she was a bit unsure about sleeping with me because I've already slept with one of her best mates. I think these were both just like reframes, it was strange because we both blatantly wanted to fuck the shit out of each other but it just didn't happen.

We spent most the day rolling around in the sheets on some sensual seduction shit, getting up to eat then going back into bed and fooling around again.

Now this could either leave the sexual tension on a high so the next time we meet it's explosive and it's ON! Or I've just kick started her sex drive again, shot myself in the foot and she is going to go find someone else to fuck her senseless.

Now, today I've kind of been messed up. I enjoy spending time with her, we both said we don't want a relationship. HBphoto warned her that I would not be interested in one and she said she'd like to see me again but doesn't want anything serious. She also said she doesn't mind seeing other girls and she was texting some dude and might be going on a date with him. I was like that's cool.

Now the fucked up thing is, I don't want a relationship, but I like the girl and feel a bit chodey because of it. I don't know if it;s because I did not seal the deal and she has a potential 'date' and that makes me feel like I'm on the back burner. I went out last night, got a random make out but the feeling after really summed up that the random make outs are nothing any more. I think this situation is really shining a light in my character. On one hand I'm jealous, yeah I'm not afraid to be honest, probably jealous that she has other potentials. On the other hand it shows that I still need that validation, the validation of a extraction, a day 2, a date.

I really need to keep going out and not let myself slip into any chodely behaviour.

Being with her really reminded me of being with my ex, she did certain stuff that was scarily smiliar. Alarm bells did go off in my head when I was getting cosy like "ODB, if you're going to be fucking this girl why are you acting all coupley" But I genuinely enjoyed her company, I know it is not the 'PUA' thing to do, but I think that is half the problem.

The 'player' image; we all 'think' we'd be cool seeing a girl who is seeing other guys, but if that only works when you're seeing other girls, then it exposes a huge flaw in your character. In reality a lot of guys, including myself, are still a distance from truly taking on that mentality and being comfortable with it. There is also the fact that in the PUA community we're meant to be almost emotionless, like it's all about the sex. I was in that boat until I found someone I enjoyed spending time with and it wasn't actually about the sex. But we have this player image to perpetuate and keep up, when really it's existence tells us that we don't fully have core confidence nailed.

I've found some huge holes in my character, In a way I'm glad I have found them now. The player thing has us hiding behind our outer game so to speak. My outer game and my confidence got me here. I mean, ultimately a hot girl just swallowed a weeks worth of my load, I should be happy. Almost two years ago I would not have had the skill to get myself into that situation. I would have bottled it some where a long the line. Now I have that shit down, but even if I keep hearing "you're so confident" it's confidence in knowing the techniques, being calibrated. But not really having my foundations fully set, I thought I did, but ultimately this has pointed out there is still a long way to go.