Honest Expression; Becoming a Man

This is probably the hardest, most raw and by far the most important blog that I've written to date. In the last month and a half I have been through so much, a roller coaster ride of emotions, highs, lows, good times, bad times, stress, joy and I've had to do some really deep soul searching. The irony was, as I was going through this time my 'game' so to speak improved and became effortless. At the same time though, I had to exorcise some demons and really be truthful with who I was and where I was going. This was by far the hardest thing I've done to date since taking this journey to transform myself. I've had to burn the candle inside myself until there was nothing more to burn, until I had become comfortable with discomfort.

First let me explain the situation, make sure you're comfortable it may be a long ride...

Ok, The last post touched on the first night I spent with the girl I've been seeing. I continued to see her about once or twice a week. We went out ate food, chilled together and talked a lot finding out about each other's lives. As I was told, we drew closer together, however part of me was stressed. I loved spending time with her, part of me hated the fact I loved spending time with her. She knew about my 'player persona' from her best friend who is also one of my good friends. We often joked around about that and I told her some of the things I had gotten up to in the past, which was cool. She didn't judge and neither did I, she is probably the most 'sexually experienced' girl I have been with too so it was not like she was a prude.

However, the thing that really got to me and it got to her too was we were both ready for sex. I was in a catch 22 situation. I was so in my head and wanted it to be so good that I had put 'sex' on this huge pedestal but I wanted to do it and share the experience with her. Whenever it came to 'that' moment I lost my erection. She started to question herself thinking I did not find her attractive. It was a really stressful time for me, one night I finally penetrated her... with no condom. I knew it was stupid of me and I so wanted to carry on, she was more sensible however and suggested using a condom... you know what happened... a lot of fumbling, I went back inside my head and a loss of erection.

I was totally stressed out at this point, I wanted to do it so badly with her. All the other girls I did not care about, it just happened. The fact I cared made it worse because I wanted it even more, this very thing just caused me more problems. Now, at this point we both had admitted to liking each other. This was really fucking with my concept of who I was, I had built up this persona of being a player and it was tormenting me, all swirling round in my head.

We had originally stated to be fuck buddies, but the time we were spending with each other made us come together on a deeper level. I knew this was happening and part of me hated it and part of me loved it. See it was not supposed to happen and I knew that it would end up in pain. Then there was my friend who is also her best friend causing problems between us by saying if she did no sleep with me I would go off and find someone else for sex. She was unaware of 'my problem'. But she was also causing tension by filling this girl's head with thoughts that I was a player and I was just using her and would end up hurting her. However, she was unaware just how deep our conversations had been and how honest we had been with each other.

The first real lesson came when I had been speaking with my good friend and he told me to lay it all out on the table. This took amazing courage, I did not decide to do it until I just got caught up in the moment and literally broke down.

We were in bed and she asked me what was up, I just broke down and started crying I explained everything that was bothering me. How I liked her and how I cared about her and wanted to really have sex with her but there was immense pressure and I wanted it to be good. I also told her how I was prepared to not see her again as the sheer stress from it was hurting me so bad. She started crying.... we did some talking and some deep bonding. It was an emotional point. But afterwards I felt so liberated from doing it and I could sense that she felt liberated too. This lead me to one of my realisations... as my boy Sunnee says (you made the blog man!)

It is confident to show vulnerability

You better believe after I did that, Sex was not a problem it never became an issue. It brought us closer, we pretty much became exclusive, she stated she did not want to sleep with anyone else and I reciprocated her sentiments. But this still fucked with my ego a little, I had already battered it by laying out on the table and honestly expressing myself.

However, more bullshit happened between us, due to a miss understanding. This really made me reflect on the situation and discuss things with Sunnee and we talked about being a man and masculinity. He asked me what I wanted and I could not tell him straight, he had to force it out of me until I admitted I wanted to have her as a girlfriend. And at the same point we both started being 100% honest with each other. It is a refreshing experience and something I pride myself on and try and take it forward in everything I do. Being honest and honestly expressing yourself cuts out a lot of misunderstanding and bullshit.

I also realised the lessons I had started to learn and started to really reflect on myself. I no longer felt like I was acting like a chode for liking a girl. I realised that I had been running around really with insecurities and issues that I thought did not exist, I was a little boy trying to manipulate women into sleeping with me. It was time to become a man, I had got to the top of one mountain and then realised there was a bigger one next to me. The reason I had felt like a chode was down to me coming back down the mountain in order to start my quest to the top of the higher peak.

But only now have I really felt like I have progressed. I've struggled with some demons, broke down jealously, feeling insecure, feeling inadequate. I'm learning to let go and accept the moment, I can only control myself and my actions. I cannot control the future nor can I control the past. One of the biggest lessons I learnt was to not think for the girl, you cannot do the unthinkable and mind read, so why put yourself under emotional stress by trying to think what she is thinking. To truly be honest and express oneself honestly, this leads to you no longer 'gaming' sometimes you can end up gaming when all you need to do is be honest. When you strip yourself down and give it to somebody in it's purest form they value you because it takes courage to do that. I've learnt to master my emotions, to accept things for what they are and focus on my purpose and my journey. Feel the burn and accept it until it no longer burns, until you become a rock that people can depend on. Never doubt yourself and stay on your path, have a purpose in life.....

Where are you going?

and who is coming with you?

Me and Sunnee were discussing some really deep stuff and he told me something that resonated within me. You have to truly let go, imagine there is a set of keys on a table. Gravity is pulling them to the floor but the table is stopping them. The keys are trying to get the floor, all this time we have been taking the keys off the table and putting them on the floor. To truly let go you must pull the table from beneath the keys letting them hit the floor. This is the quickest way for them to reach their destination, but by doing so you must let go and be prepared to pull the table away.

So where am I now?

Well the situation with me and the girl got complicated, we were both ready for a relationship. However, she got a txt from her 'ex fiancé' who wanted to meet for a coffee. To cut a long story short she met him and had a long discussion with him. She realised that she was not 100% over him and still had some feelings for him. But she really liked me, she needed some space and some time to think things through.

This has been my biggest test yet, I've had to really master my emotions and accept things, I was not hurt, but upset. Part of it was my ego hurting, the thought of her going back to him hurt my ego more than it actually hurt me. But I realised it was for her to decide, I have enjoyed my time with her and I'm grateful for the journey and the growing I've done while being with her. I cannot control anything other than myself. I have my own path I'm moving towards and continued to move towards it. I explained to her that if she needs some space then that's cool she knows where to find me.

A few days went by and she txt me, by then I had 100% completely accepted the situation and was happy with whatever outcome. I explained to her that whatever she decides I'm cool with and I'm here for her and will not act any differently towards her. Bitterness, jealously, anger, frustration, resent are all the easy options. It is far harder to really dig deep and master your emotions and express yourself honestly.

I did however think it was over... I doubted myself...

I saw her last night, she wanted to see me, she missed me. Her ex had been texting her.... I had not, I gave her the space she wanted. She explained every time her ex text her, she wished it was me and realised she missed me.

I told her that I meant what I said about her making her decision, she said that I was amazing and she had so much respect for me. The fact I said that to her only made her like me more...

So what now? She still has to decide...

Until then, I stay on my purpose, a changed man, I know where I am going... and I'm going there regardless... I'm going there with class, honesty, integrity, responsibility, authenticity, confidence, passion... but I'm going there as a man... the little boy has died.