Yes...No...Maybe...

Weird picture, I know... I love the photogrpahy though. 

So i've been drinking tea again and thinking a lot. Let me explain the reasoning behind my excessive thinking. In my last blog I mentioned the girl from work, now we had arranged to meet up after work on Monday and go out together and do something. However, I was out with the guys on Saturday night and she text me saying

"we need to have chats about Monday"

I sent a knee jerk reaction of a txt back, I'm sure you've done it before. You sort of emotionally react to the message and send a message back quickly expressing that emotion. I sent

"Why what's up with Monday?"

Her reply...

"Chill out, we'll chat tomorrow x"

This completely killed my state, even though if you just look at it objectively, there is not much negative about it. But in the moment my mind just started associating negative meanings to the text message. The rest of the night was a slug fest, however, I did manage to make out with a pretty cute 30 year old with her taking my facebook before we left.  This morning I looked back on the night, I sat in the chair just staring at myself in the mirror, have you ever done that before? Or am I just a weirdo? Anyway, I was just observing my feelings, I'm quite a nervous character and have a nasty habit of getting nervy when I 'fall' for a girl. It is pretty much a problem for me, if it's consistent I tend to loose my appetite, which results in my loosing weight. So it can be pretty much a big deal. 

So I log onto RSDnation, which I rarely do, scroll down the forum and select a thread at random. It is quite funny looking back on it now, why did I pick that thread out of all the others? But to get to the point, the thread was from a guy who had got emotionally attatched to a girl he had slept with who then blew him off. He had been talking about all the paradoxes in the game for example:

In order to be a sexworthy guy you need to be getting laid in the first place

The rest of the thread contained crack content. Most of it I had heard before but I had to sit back and really think about the situation I was in and with the help of the advice in the thread, which I already knew but needed reminding of, I realised... People are dieing in the world, they have no food, people are loosing their jobs, I have roof over my head, money in my pocket, I just went out last night and hooked up with a girl. What did I have to worry about? That some girl might not like ? Who gives a fuck! Exactly, I'm still worrying about what she thinks about me, mistake number one. Number two to quote Jeffy

Remember, the SECOND that a woman can very clearly discern that you feel she is of higher value than you, BOOM it's over.

Sobering truths of the game.

Did I view her as higher value? Possibly, but more to the point I was drawing my state from my environment rather than from within. I should be happy regardless of what is going on around me, from a girl sending you a text message to somebody blowing you out. In the grand scheme of things it does not matter. It also highlights the fact that I'm still ego driven, whether she likes me or not does bother me, in reality it should not be an issue, but I still feel the need for external validation. These were some of the things that were brought to my attention thanks to reading the tribulations of the poster in the RSDnation thread. Fundamental flaws in my game, could I even handle being in a relationship at this point? If I am stressing out now, before I've even started to anything with the girl what would I be like once in a relationship. This is something I often questioned when I was seeing the other girl earlier this year. 

Going back to the text message, the whole state crash would not have been an issue if I had not 'thought for her'. That is probably the worst thing you can ever do, but need to keep reminding yourself not to do it. For example, the text message

"we need to have chats about monday"

Take it at face value, the natural response would be 

"Ok, we'll talk on monday"

However, as soon as you start 'thinking' for her, emotions come into play and you start to take the text message out of its proper context.

Now, I was having a deep discussion with Sunnee's older sister about the whole issue. I had also been doing something thinking after my new 'enlightening realtisation'. I came to a conclusion with the help of both that life is too short for 'maybe's. The fact that the girl was indecisive pretty much gave me her answer to whether or not she liked me. Would I want to be with someone who wasn't sure they wanted to be with me? The answer, truthfully, no. So you have to take this one as an experience and grow wiser from it. 

I mean I really thought about it why should you settle for the indecisivness? Yes in the last post we established that many women can be indecisive, but to quote Pirate

It's up to her to align with you, or not. Control doesn't extend beyond the self, I can offer my path, she can decide to join me on it without having to decide where it goes...

When I go out there must be hundreds of women about that are single. Out of those some will be no's and some will be maybe's but some will be yes's. Out of those yes's there is the potential to find a girl that is far more attractive and cooler than the ones that are giving you 'maybe's. The positive from that is you also find a woman that knows what she wants, to quote phonte from little brother, the hip hop group:

On the other hand, the chick who gives it up on the first night is a hero and a patron saint. Praise that woman for letting you know, she know what she want outta life (c)Dre. For real……fellas, you take that woman home to mama and thank her for all the weeks of bullshit conversation, text messaging, and Cheesecake Factory dinners she’s saved you……and after that first night of sex, yall can really talk to each other as real people cause you aint got shit else to hide..

To bring it to a close, I did get a text from her this evening, I had already in my mind decided to just cut the chord if she continued to be indecisive. She, surprisingly made a decision and said that she could not see us as anymore than friends. I will admit that I was a bit upset, however, also liberated that the soap opera has come to a conclusion. Experience has taught me you cannot be bitter, all I could ask of her is to be honest and she was. It is all part of the journey, the brief moment we did connect on a physical level will be remembered fondley. However I can now focus on being friends with her and continue to go out and meet new women.